Every once in a while, I have one of those days that leave me feeling melancholic about how life has changed. Mother’s Day this year was one of those days. Of course, mothers everywhere deserve their special day and should probably have more than one day per year honoring them, but when your children no longer have a loving mother, it makes the day somewhat atypical.
It gave me a chance to look at how far we have come. I don’t think of us as being unlike other families. We have grown and adapted and have been able to carry on in our own unique and sometimes unorthodox ways. It struck me on this day though, that life is different for us, even though we choose not to focus on it.
I’m in awe of my children on a daily basis. Sometimes it is because of the immense strength and character that I see in them, and other days because they can’t figure out how to pick up their dirty and wet towels off the bathroom floor! I don’t think that someone unfamiliar with our history, would look at us and think, “There is a family without a Mom.” Sure, they may run off to school with clothes that are kind of shabby, probably not matching, hair and teeth not brushed, and homework not all up to date, but they are happy, well-adjusted kids, thriving and full of life.
“Mothers are like glue. Even when you can’t see them, they are still holding the family together” Susan Gale.
The most difficult days for Maureen and I were those days when we would think about emotional harm to the kids. We both found such joy in our children and our family life, thinking those days would last forever. Thoughts of how cancer and death would affect the children always brought us such pain and heartache. No child should have to watch their mom get sick and die. It was usually a roller coaster ride. There was good news one day that gave you hope followed by lousy news another day that left you in tears searching for strength. Those tears were almost always for our children. Somehow wishing we could make things better for them.
The strength of character that she exhibited throughout her ordeal with cancer is a cherished gift and lasting lesson for all of us. I remember the end, when we finally had to admit defeat. The doctors at Maine Medical breaking the news that cancer had spread and informing us that Hospice was the next step. There wasn’t much else we could do, our optimism had run its course, and now it was a reality. We sat and held each other for a long time, trying to wrap our minds around the looming hardship. A lot of sadness and tears, as we pulled ourselves together, heads spinning with the heaviness of the last few days, reluctantly accepting our fate and thinking about how to proceed.
Facing her death, Maureen was still an extraordinary Mom, thinking about what was best for her children. We had often spoken about the tremendous sadness of not being able to watch the kids grow up. I can’t imagine how devastating that must have been or even how a mom comes to grips with that reality. It has to be the most horrific experience a parent has to endure. Despite that, she put her fears and sadness aside and asked that I go home to get the kids and bring them back to the hospital so she could talk to them. This conversation with the children was one the bravest and most courageous actions I have ever witnessed in my life, finding the fortitude to be “Mom,” knowing that she was also saying “goodbye.” It was one of the saddest yet most beautiful and powerful acts of love imaginable.
“The strength of a mother is like no other. During times of stress, she may struggle to find her way because she is facing her demons, but her child’s welfare comes first. She’s not perfect and makes mistakes but never doubt her love; it burns deeply in her heart”.
As I sat out on my front steps pondering these thoughts on Mothers Day, my mind drifted across the street to a house where a neighbor’s 93-year-old mom had just passed away only a few weeks ago. I realized that we are not different. There are many people out there with mothers and/or fathers that are no longer with us physically, but the love that they have for their children endures forever.
I look at my children and see the strength and love their mom in their soul. They may not realize it now, but someday they will realize that their mom gave them a remarkable gift and she is with them always.