Sometimes you just need a little reassurance when things to start to feel a little overwhelming. It’s just a simple saying that can have a calming effect. “Everything is going to be OK”. It is something I have always been able to say with confidence, because after 53 years, I can look back and see that everything has been OK.

The last few years have been filled with tremendous upheaval and change. Having your heart ripped out and trying to figure out how to carry on with a somewhat normal life while striving to maintain a career, fill the massive void left in yours and your children’s life, and juggle a mind-boggling amount of changing responsibilities and emotional crises has been harrowing. There is no playbook for what I/we have encountered. There is no prescription or right way to go about picking yourself up and moving on. The uncertainly about how to move forward can be paralyzing. It has been paralyzing at times.

Everything is going to be OK!

I used to think that I was a grounded person. Perhaps I was, but I have learned that it is easy to be grounded when life is good, and you are living under the false assumption that everything will always continue to be as it is. The real challenge is being able to remain grounded while your life as you know it suddenly falls apart and you are thrown into chaos. Being grounded takes on an entirely new meaning when your future plans have vaporized, you’re no longer sure who you are, and no idea how you are ever going to manage raising four children, make a decent living, get to doctor’s appointments, soccer games, school meetings, college planning, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. The list goes on and on it is daunting.

It is not humanly possible or healthy to dwell on the many facets of how life has changed. At times, it has been a struggle to keep myself from getting beaten down from stress and succumbing to the pressure. I have had to learn how to deal with uncertainty as a fact of life and not to expend my energy and brain power on the many scenarios that I have little or no control over. The details have never been my strong suit and my “go to” answer when faced with a potential dilemma/problem has become: “I don’t know, it will all work out”. Of course, some days these words are more easily believed than others.

Viewing life as a constant state of uncertainty and change, has also left me more open minded and aware of the many different possibilities and opportunities in life. Embracing this change has had many positive effects and many occasions to experiment. Some of which have lead to behavior and habit change and some that were just bad ideas, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

Recently, I was invited to attend an energy healing clinic. I had no idea what this was all about, but I envisioned someone connecting with the healthy and unhealthy energy in my body and helping me to understand or eliminate negative energy that was not helpful to me. With an open mind, I agreed to attend, since I’m interested in anything that will help keep me a peaceful and calm frame of mind.

With no frame of reference for what would take place, I was a little surprised when I was lead to a room with a bed, and four energy healers that would work with me. I lay down on my back and closed my eyes, while they proceeded to poke and prod my body, constantly pulling on my limbs and rubbing my head. At first, it was all I could do to keep myself from bursting out in laughter, but I slowly relaxed and let myself be present with the session.

As they continued their work, they spoke of a powerful conflict they felt with my energy. One half of my body feeling grounded and down to earth, while the other half feeling tense and anxious, the two opposing forces in a struggle. I agreed with them because I have worked hard over the last year to “let go” of the many pressures that sometimes build up in my head and stay with the “It’ll all work out” mentality.

While working around my body, they asked me where I felt the anxiety and tension. First touching my head, then my neck and my shoulders. I was very aware in this moment and knew for sure that my anxiety was not coming from any of those places, but I was not positive where it was coming from. It was a bizarre setting because not only were they attempting to understand and feel my energy, but I was also receiving energy from them. Another voice from inside the room asked me where in my body I felt uneasy, and the answer became instantly clear. It was in my heart.

What happened next was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. The healers in the room where overtaken with my energy, the deep sadness that is entwined with my heart. They were consumed with the powerful emotions of grief that have become part of my being. This was the conflict and dilemma that they felt within me. Half of my body moving forward, embracing change, growing and learning but being driven by the other half and the sadness and grief that I have experienced.

I sensed the sadness and could feel the tears from the healers in the room that came from the powerful emotions within me. I explained how my heart is the focal point of my pain because of the loss of Maureen and they told me that they knew and that she was here, in the room with us. A picture appeared in my mind, clear as day, of Maureen sitting on the edge of the bed. They told me that she had something to say to me. I was there with her and she spoke. She told me that everything was going to be OK. I had tears in my eyes, but also felt a sudden sense of relief and calmness to my body. I felt at peace.

These were the words I spoke to her so often throughout her battle with cancer. When things got overwhelming, when we had one of those awful doctor’s visits where we felt like the world was going to end, I would comfort her with my calming words. When she was facing her last days and she looked at me, concern on her face and tears in her eyes, still worried about her family, I told her with confidence and conviction: “Everything is going to be OK”. Those were the words she needed to hear, but those are also the words that she never had a chance to tell me. The calming voice, the smile, the sincere words that soothed my soul.

Everything is going to be OK. Things always work out!

I don’t often get one on one time with my girls. The two of them are inseparable and it’s rare for them to go in different directions; which is why I found it strange to be in the car with Audrey, solo, for a ride to Gorham and back. I don’t know if I have ever had that much alone time with her, because if I did I would have remembered how much she really loves to talk! I seriously think that there was not a moment of silence for the entire ride there or back and I was amazed at how she continued to bring up one subject after another to keep conversation going. If I answered with a short, dead-end answer, she would find a better question to ask. Of my four children, she is the one that inherited the gift of gab from her Mom; that and the deep belly laugh – a carbon copy of Maureen’s.

Discussion turned to college, and how do you know what you want to go to school for? As a fifty-three-year-old who still hasn’t figured out what I want to be, she found a topic that created some lively discussion. I love talking about all the interest I have and the different work/hobby experiences I have had in my life. It seemed like to perfect opportunity to discuss my idea of writing this blog and yet another example of how different paths emerge over life.

I discovered a long time ago, that I’m much better at putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper (or computer screen), than I am at vocalizing them. For example, every year, since the birth of our first child, I would write a story and put it under the tree at Christmas. I would make it a humorous recap of our life events for that year, because our life always seemed to be taking on these bizarre twists and turns. I did it mostly for Maureen, because I wanted to give something that was from the heart; a creation of my own that reflected my love. Today, the kids enjoy going back and reading them as they are filled with both fond memories from childhood, as well as memories of their Mom.

I was struck when Audrey asked me why I wrote those stories? I took me a few seconds to let that question sink in, but really there was only one answer.

I wrote those stories because I love being a Dad!

It was such a huge revelation to me at that moment (I could also see it brought a tear to her eye) and honestly I had not thought about the joys of parenthood in a while. Life has been altered so much over the past few years. My role has been transformed, my parenting has changed. I’ve gone from having the perfect parenting partner in my life, to solo, stumbling, doubting single parent figuring things out as I’ve gone along.

I found becoming a single parent such a shock to my confidence. Yes, I always knew that I loved being a Dad, but being solo has been so intense, that I have not really thought about it for a while. I’m certainly a different parent now; I’m always on, I’m the good guy, the bad guy, the enforcer (occasionally), the comforter, the teacher, the role model… It never stops, but the truth is this, I still love being a Dad. Sometimes it just takes a question from an innocent child to make things clear.

Enjoyable conversation, but unfortunately, I think I may have confused her on the college question!

Tag: change