Tag: stress

Everything Is Going To Be OK

Sometimes you just need a little reassurance when things to start to feel a little overwhelming.  It’s just a simple saying that can have a calming effect.  “Everything is going to be OK”.  It is something I have always been able to say with confidence, because after 53 years, I can look back and see that everything has been OK.

The last few years have been filled with tremendous upheaval and change.  Having your heart ripped out and trying to figure out how to carry on with a somewhat normal life while striving to maintain a career, fill the massive void left in yours and your children’s life, and juggle a mind-boggling amount of changing responsibilities and emotional crises has been harrowing.  There is no playbook for what I/we have encountered.  There is no prescription or right way to go about picking yourself up and moving on.  The uncertainly about how to move forward can be paralyzing.  It has been paralyzing at times.

Everything is going to be OK!

 

I used to think that I was a grounded person.  Perhaps I was, but I have learned that it is easy to be grounded when life is good, and you are living under the false assumption that everything will always continue to be as it is.  The real challenge is being able to remain grounded while your life as you know it suddenly falls apart and you are thrown into chaos.  Being grounded takes on an entirely new meaning when your future plans have vaporized, you’re no longer sure who you are, and no idea how you are ever going to manage raising four children, make a decent living, get to doctor’s appointments, soccer games, school meetings, college planning, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc.  The list goes on and on it is daunting.

It is not humanly possible or healthy to dwell on the many facets of how life has changed.  At times, it has been a struggle to keep myself from getting beaten down from stress and succumbing to the pressure.  I have had to learn how to deal with uncertainty as a fact of life and not to expend my energy and brain power on the many scenarios that I have little or no control over.  The details have never been my strong suit and my “go to” answer when faced with a potential dilemma/problem has become: “I don’t know, it will all work out”.  Of course, some days these words are more easily believed than others.

Viewing life as a constant state of uncertainty and change, has also left me more open minded and aware of the many different possibilities and opportunities in life.  Embracing this change has had many positive effects and many occasions to experiment.  Some of which have lead to behavior and habit change and some that were just bad ideas, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

Recently, I was invited to attend an energy healing clinic.  I had no idea what this was all about, but I envisioned someone connecting with the healthy and unhealthy energy in my body and helping me to understand or eliminate negative energy that was not helpful to me.  With an open mind, I agreed to attend, since I’m interested in anything that will help keep me a peaceful and calm frame of mind.

With no frame of reference for what would take place, I was a little surprised when I was lead to a room with a bed, and four energy healers that would work with me.  I lay down on my back and closed my eyes, while they proceeded to poke and prod my body, constantly pulling on my limbs and rubbing my head.  At first, it was all I could do to keep myself from bursting out in laughter, but I slowly relaxed and let myself be present with the session.

As they continued their work, they spoke of a powerful conflict they felt with my energy.  One half of my body feeling grounded and down to earth, while the other half feeling tense and anxious, the two opposing forces in a struggle.  I agreed with them because I have worked hard over the last year to “let go” of the many pressures that sometimes build up in my head and stay with the “It’ll all work out” mentality.

While working around my body, they asked me where I felt the anxiety and tension.  First touching my head, then my neck and my shoulders.  I was very aware in this moment and knew for sure that my anxiety was not coming from any of those places, but I was not positive where it was coming from.  It was a bizarre setting because not only were they attempting to understand and feel my energy, but I was also receiving energy from them.  Another voice from inside the room asked me where in my body I felt uneasy, and the answer became instantly clear.  It was in my heart.

What happened next was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.  The healers in the room where overtaken with my energy, the deep sadness that is entwined with my heart.  They were consumed with the powerful emotions of grief that have become part of my being.  This was the conflict and dilemma that they felt within me.  Half of my body moving forward, embracing change, growing and learning but being driven by the other half and the sadness and grief that I have experienced.

I sensed the sadness and could feel the tears from the healers in the room that came from the powerful emotions within me.  I explained how my heart is the focal point of my pain because of the loss of Maureen and they told me that they knew and that she was here, in the room with us.  A picture appeared in my mind, clear as day, of Maureen sitting on the edge of the bed.  They told me that she had something to say to me.  I was there with her and she spoke.  She told me that everything was going to be OK.  I had tears in my eyes, but also felt a sudden sense of relief and calmness to my body.  I felt at peace.

These were the words I spoke to her so often throughout her battle with cancer.  When things got overwhelming, when we had one of those awful doctor’s visits where we felt like the world was going to end, I would comfort her with my calming words.  When she was facing her last days and she looked at me, concern on her face and tears in her eyes, still worried about her family, I told her with confidence and conviction: “Everything is going to be OK”.  Those were the words she needed to hear, but those are also the words that she never had a chance to tell me.  The calming voice, the smile, the sincere words that soothed my soul.

Everything is going to be OK.  Things always work out!

Grief, stress and finding peace

I don’t raise my voice often. Family excluded, most people have never heard me yell. As a child I remember having fits of rage — which I’m sure where justified given the abuse I suffered at the hands of my older siblings!  As a young adult, I found myself able to leap tall buildings in a single bound at that point when I would just snap.  I’ve never physically hurt anyone in my life, but I have uttered enough hurtful words during a temper tantrum that I wish I could take back.  I’ve done this enough — and offered apologies—  that over time I’ve successfully learned to control myself and prevent myself from getting to that point of no return.

In the aftermath of Maureen’s death, life was a little stressful (understatement).  Obviously, the house was a bundle of emotions.  Not only was I trying to deal with sadness and grief myself, but the kids were also lost. There were financial implications, single-parenting implications, work implications.  The pressure was suffocating, all at a time when I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide.

If I’m going to lose my cool, it’s probably going to happen during times of intense stress, and life was a little stressful.  I knew that I should not be raising my voice and shouting, but it was happening more often, at a time when what the kids needed was kindness, compassion and understanding.

There was one incident around dinnertime where I ended up throwing dinner (food was flying everywhere) on the table in an emotional outburst, while spouting lots of colorful language (many have also never heard my colorful language; I did grow up in the trucking business) and storming away to bedroom to close the door, weep and feel sorry for myself.  I laid on the bed listening to the sounds of kids sobbing, knowing I blew it.  Sure, I’m human, but it was just heartbreaking knowing that my children were already so traumatized from losing their mom, and now I gave them a reason to miss her even more. I felt like such a jackass at that moment, and knew I was wrong.  Given my grief, it was normal for me lose control of my emotions. However, I was not being the parent I wanted to be.

These outbursts always led to good discussion though, along with my apologies. We talked about why I lost my temper, how life without Mom is hard, how we are in all this together and how we all need to look out for each other.  My kids were not used to seeing an angry side of me. I knew that it scared them, and I always promised I would try to get better, try to stay calmer.

As much as I hated the fact that I lost control, it was a learning process for all of us. My honesty with the kids and sincere apologies helped us get to where we are today. One day, while the girls were watching the television, I stopped because they were watching a Tai Chi video on YouTube, and it struck me as being a little unusual for them. The background music was soothing, and the person performing the routine looked calm and peaceful.  I asked the girls why they were watching and they both broke into laughter at the same time (identical twin girls are amazing).  They responded, “Dad, this would be good for you to do!”

I was not sure if they were joking or if they were serious? Given the ongoing temper discussion we were having in the house at the time, I thought maybe they were on to something? The person in the video certainly looked calm!  I was also genuinely determined to become a calmer, more focused person in the face of constant stress. The next morning, after the four kids all left for the day — I did not want them to see me — I tried it out.  I locked myself in the bedroom with the “do not disturb” sign on the door and had some quiet, peaceful time to myself.

I do not think the girls were serious about having me perform Tai Chi, I do however think that they wanted me to be the calm, happy Dad that I used to be.  They all got a good laugh at me and poked fun of my new morning routine, but I had found something that brought me peace.  It is now part of my morning routine, and it was a crucial step in me taking control of my life again, learning from grief and realizing that there is a new world of change out there. I found a whole new person within me, just waiting for me to explore.